Thank you so much for 3500+ followers ❤️ you all rolled the 🎲 & decided I was worth seeing in your feed everyday 💎
To celebrate , I'm hosting a tweet call:
👑 Rt's for all
👑 1 - 2 tweets from you or a friend
👑 No theme
👑 Ends in 12 hours
Thank you everyone 😊😘
Every time I think I’ve matured, I think about the time my buddy was leaving a barber shop just as I was parking to go in.
For the next 3 months he got an envelope in the mail every other day with bits of his hair and notes like “we miss you” and “tell the others we love them”.
Times are tough and we’re having to make the most of our limited medical resources these days.
But just FYI, the pretty veterinarian isn’t keen to check your prostate as a “package deal” when you take your dog in.
It took a moment, but I can look in the mirror now and recognize the person staring back. I can still see the shadow behind me, reminding me, but the only reason that shadow exists is because of the light ahead.
Things everyone needs to come to terms with:
-You cannot change things by loving them harder
-Timing won’t always be in your favour
-Your new self cut quarantine bangs look super fucked
-Recognize what everyone calls ‘quarantine’ is how you’ve been living for the past 2 years
I just want the kind of love where for my birthday, my husband rents an abandoned insane asylum with a dark past & offers strangers a cash prize to be able to survive the night and then we all get murdered by vengeful spirits. You know, classic love story stuff
Me: Lastly, I always shave my balls when I go to the dentist in case the hygienist asks about my oral hygiene and is talking about the good kind.
Priest: *flushing toilet* For the last time, the church is closed.
HR: Please share some of your most recent villainy.
Me: I made chocolate chip cookies and left orange juice to drink.
HR: Mean, but not villian level.
Me: I made people listen to me read comics out loud.
HR: Torture eh? We may have an opening.
If you could master chewing gum with your lips shut, there'd be no limits to what you might achieve in life.
And if you could then progress to reading without them moving at all, the world really would be your oyster!