🇨🇦 The Canadian 🇨🇦 (@PantlessCanuck)

7530 posts      4413 followers      973 followings     

I’m the friend you apologize for, and my citizenship does a lot of heavy lifting for my difficult personality. I once did an awful thing for some bacon.


2019-12-25 21:56:26

My ex husband and I had a dry wedding and now I feel like I should send an apology with a liquor store gift card attached to everyone who attended.

Him: when was the last time you got any action? Me: the toilet lid fell and hit my dick while I was peeing today. Does that count?

Person inventing tuna salad: What if chicken salad went bad?

Is there a Gardener Boyardee?

What is your favorite toaster setting?

Him: *polite, interesting, intelligent and not acting like a sleaze bag in my DMs Me: *sends picture of my butthole

I reconfigured all of my mom’s electronics for her, and for the last 30 minutes have been listening to her curse out “Alexandria” for not responding to her commands.

Some of you tweet like you have no shame and it shows.

Fucken’ Dave. Good old toothless Dave.

I keep my circle small because fuck all that extra walking.

Thank you so much for 3500+ followers ❤️ you all rolled the 🎲 & decided I was worth seeing in your feed everyday 💎  
To celebrate , I'm hosting a tweet call:
👑 Rt's for all 
👑 1 - 2 tweets from you or a friend 
👑 No theme 
👑 Ends in 12 hours 
Thank you everyone 😊😘

Thank you so much for 3500+ followers ❤️ you all rolled the 🎲 & decided I was worth seeing in your feed everyday 💎 To celebrate , I'm hosting a tweet call: 👑 Rt's for all 👑 1 - 2 tweets from you or a friend 👑 No theme 👑 Ends in 12 hours Thank you everyone 😊😘

A kid said something to me once that blew my mind. “Of course gummy worms and gummy bears taste different. They’re different species.”

me: and what do you do? him: I take care of military service dogs me (a one track mind): ohhh so you’re a Corp vet?

My TC got half of my drafts in the divorce settlement.

daylight: sparking up a j in the morning afternoon delight: sparking up a j at lunch nightlight: sparking up a j in the evening all day lit: that's a baked Alaska 🥴

I’m going to ask my demons to tuck me into bed tonight

What’s it called when you do your squats, crunches, and running... then order a pizza as soon as you get home? 😬

Me: for breakfast we have the deconstructed cassia and dry aged grapes, served in a blanket of pastry Son: this is cinnamon raisin toast Me: that’s what I said...you uncultured troglodyte.

Every time I think I’ve matured, I think about the time my buddy was leaving a barber shop just as I was parking to go in. For the next 3 months he got an envelope in the mail every other day with bits of his hair and notes like “we miss you” and “tell the others we love them”.

Send me your favourite 90’s end early 2000s grunge, indie, hip hop and pop so I can make a play list.

The face of an angel, the eyebrows of a well maintained golf course

Times are tough and we’re having to make the most of our limited medical resources these days. But just FYI, the pretty veterinarian isn’t keen to check your prostate as a “package deal” when you take your dog in. You’re welcome.

I know who my homies are on here and I appreciate you. 👊

Son: dad...did you ever have to do a walk of shame? Me: *remembering that time I had to climb down a construction crane completely bare ass naked No

Basically, sure, I think about what background I'd like for when CNN comes to interview me.

Just mute the assholes, and enjoy Twitter once again. It's that simple.

Shit... I can remember YOUR tweets for days/weeks later. But I can't remember what *I* want to tweet 10 seconds after I think of it.

We now have time to floss. Which one of you is actually flossing?

If you for any reason embrace 🔘 Homophobia 🔘 Racism 🔘 Xenophobia You can fuck off right now. Block me. I don't want your follow.

All villains were heroes once

Guys who were the star quarterback in school weren't funny. They only got funny later when they stopped getting laid

*microwaves my cup of mayo with chocolate sprinkles for a tasty snack before bed

Twitter drama blows more solidly than a hooker needing a fix

Me: I've decided to start a salon from home. Also me: Hair just everywhere

(Seductively stripping out of clothes) Gynecologist: Please stop that.

I would run in that marathon, but there are over 98,000 participants and I don’t like crowds.

Surprise! I got you a body cam so I can watch you 24/7. Him: (Runs away)

I think I’m so tired because I’m so married.

Them: I want this to get published on HuffPo. Me: I hope someone carves this into a bathroom stall.

Look, it gets to the point where if you consistently remember to put the toilet seat down, someone will marry you.

*showing my friend a picture of the spider on my balcony* Me: Just pretend it’s not wearing the birthday hat.

I wished upon a star last night. It was a lost balloon floating through the sky, but still.

Nobody’s more self righteous than those who have no right to be.

I don’t even measure coffee grounds anymore, I just pour until I imagine the coffee maker says “when”

Find yourself someone who types as fast as you.

I don’t always make extra dinner to save as leftovers, but when I do I leave it on the stove overnight to go bad.

I liked it better when I didn’t know about all the creatures living in my yard.

Walked the right way down all the grocery aisles today. Winning.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but please don’t worry about what complete strangers on the internet think about you.

Confidence is not arrogance.

Moms are superheroes combating every day villains such as boredom, hunger, loneliness, fatigue, and sadness in a world full of grime

I love driving alone so I can sing along to kids movie soundtracks as loud as I want

I have concluded celery is solidified toilet water

7 was in the basement throwing a fit and my husband, under his breath, said “he’s being a dick” and my son yells “I am NOT a dick!” and yep we are very good at this

If a beer company hasn’t made a beer yet called “6 Feet Apart”, I dunno what they are doing.

Next time someone asks me if I’m an alcoholic, I’ll just say no I’m reliving my youth with better booze.

Canadian White Claw is called Moose Hoof cause it has more of a kick.

People who put “I don’t make the rules” in their tweets, are actually making the rules by saying they don’t make the rules... I don’t make the rules.

I find your lack of decorative accent pillows disturbing.

These shoestring fries are ridiculous, worst laces ever.

Pretty sure the little voice inside my head speaks with a British accent and drinks gin martinis with 3 olives.

I have 10 different types of cheeses in my fridge and this is the richest I've ever felt.

Them: holy shit you look amazing for 45 Me: I’m 38

My four year old just sighed a big sigh and whispered to no one, “I just like boobies.”

My husband’s sweatpants are Our Sweatpants and my sweatpants are My Sweatpants I don’t understand what’s so confusing

Tits so small I pulled a neck muscle trying to give myself cleavage for a selfie

It’s important to focus on the positive, like how it’s totally fine now to put a fake meeting in your work calendar and go jerk off in the shower

Me: it’s like thunder. Lightning. The way you love me is frightening. Her: *punching me in the dick*

Her: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym? Me: *aggressive meat sweats* yes

Olive Garden: when you're here, you're family! Oliver Garden: when you're here, you're an orphan

Why is life so dumb and precious all at once?

Y’all have some weird ass porn searches like why is “sweaty armpit sniffing” under recently featured, you sick fucks. I just wanna see some light bondage but no.

Nothing unites a neighborhood during a pandemic like a terrible internet provider

Little does the Amazon delivery guy know that he’s dropping off a box of orgasms for me today

I love when I walk by my sleeping dog & he picks up his head with sleepy perked ears & he gives me his “We goin’ somewhere?” look

“Ooooh aren’t you nice & thick”, I say as I put it in my mouth *it being an edamame pod because I’m very alone

I’m going through funnel cake withdrawal. Please keep me in your thoughts during this difficult time.

Pube weaving is a dying art.

An obese line cook with a balding shoulder-length mullet once said I’m a “right fine looking piece of ass,” so there. Validation comes in many forms, my friends.

When you’re with a woman with an organic flaxseed heating pad, things are bound to get wild.

I miss sex and sports so much that I’m watching old tennis matches for the grunts and balls flying at faces.

It took a moment, but I can look in the mirror now and recognize the person staring back. I can still see the shadow behind me, reminding me, but the only reason that shadow exists is because of the light ahead.

Things everyone needs to come to terms with: -You cannot change things by loving them harder -Timing won’t always be in your favour -Your new self cut quarantine bangs look super fucked -Recognize what everyone calls ‘quarantine’ is how you’ve been living for the past 2 years

My delivery guy just brought me chicken souvlaki salad, talked hockey with me and most importantly, he left. He doesn’t know he’s my boyfriend yet.

I just want the kind of love where for my birthday, my husband rents an abandoned insane asylum with a dark past & offers strangers a cash prize to be able to survive the night and then we all get murdered by vengeful spirits. You know, classic love story stuff

Was gonna overthrow the government today but then Enter the Dragon came on.

10 days until my birthday so if you've been looking for a reason to slice off your ear and send it to me as a gift this is your time

I just hope that someday I get to angrily whisper to my clueless sidekick "go wait in the van" while I do some solo crimes

Ghosts must be exhausted with all these people at home to haunt.

I’m getting pushed past my salty level... I’m on that jerky level now. Cured meat status unlocked.

This social distancing has been so rough. I NEED A HUGᵉ ᵖᵉⁿⁱˢ

You not gonna believe who the funniest twitter account is!! ʳᵉʳᵉᵃᵈ ᵗʰᵉ ᶠᶦʳˢᵗ ᵗʷᵒ ʷᵒʳᵈˢ ᵃᵇᵒᵛᵉ

I’m here to inform you all that you can still eat eggo waffles in a blanket fort at 30.

My kid: did you wash your hands before you made my food? Also my kid: I spilled ketchup all over the couch seat but don’t worry, I licked it off.

I just hung my clothes on the line like some domestic Amish goddess, in case anybody was looking for a wild woman to follow on here.

I have a sparrow that lives in my shed named Beatrix. She keeps dropping clamshells on my floor at night and I’m more annoyed than intrigued. This is what day 70 of isolation looks like

[At Confession] Me: Lastly, I always shave my balls when I go to the dentist in case the hygienist asks about my oral hygiene and is talking about the good kind. Priest: *flushing toilet* For the last time, the church is closed.

Obi-Wan: Luke, use the Force. Luke: I’m not using the Force to make you Yoda shaped pancakes again, Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan: *under his breath* More like Padawon’t.

Barista: Can I get you anything else? Me: The ginger snaps. Redhead behind me: *sighs* LETS GO! Me: *whispers* omg I’m psychic.

Me: I feel like you’re sending mixed messages. Postman: Get out of my truck.

Welcome to parenthood. You now yawn in your sleep.

Orion: [about to have 5th beer] Orion's wife: Orion's going to need a new belt to go with Orion's new gut.

"AVENGE ME!" [crashing sound] -Me, to my wife, as I fall down the stairs after stepping on a Lego.

Her: I must warn you, I make a mean taco. Me: Sounds great! Her: [hands me taco] You say that now... Taco: [to me] Hey, fat-ass.

Omniscient narrator: ...and she will continue to tweet in 3rd person. She never gave a fuck.

What if I don’t want to use question mark after a question.

Some people’s only philosophy is to think that they‘re superior and I’m here thinking okay, Hitler.

If this quarantine ends before I get a skull mask, I’m gonna be pissed.

Unpopular opinion: steak sauce or bbq sauce are just as unwelcome as ketchup when you have a beautifully cooked steak to eat

You might remember me from such TikTok classics as "Get Out Of Here" and "Why Is He Like That?".

Wait, Maine is an actual real place? I thought Stephen King made that up.

There's only one acceptable way to make a woman roll her eyes in the morning

These days my humour only has three settings: •Sarcasm •Gallows •Self-deprecating

The female conundrum: Wanting to lose 10-15 pounds but liking the boobs and ass that come with the weight

"Calm your tits" is my fav phrase telling me to relax by petting and talking to my boobs in a soothing fashion

In hindsight, maybe picking MC Dirt Muppet as a rap name wasn't my finest decision.

The worst part of waking up is folgers on your nuts

yea sex is cool but did you ever make a pizza quesadilla?

Hallmark needs to have a card that says "Thanks for giving a shit when I was incapable of doing so"

A ride or die bitch, but for your emotional well being and overall health

my advice is don’t attach yourself to a man who thinks by being with you he is doing you some kind of a favor

all houses should have a soundproof room like an old phone booth where people could go scream when they just need to scream

I woke up from a bad dream about walking through a crowded airport with no face mask, and now I’m nostalgic for my old nightmares.

me: i’m gonna change the world world: if you really loved me you wouldn’t try to change me

"What do you mean I'm living in the past?" I yell while adjusting my Lollapalooza 93 tour tee and flannel shirt.

Clown zits are like regular zits except when you squeeze them, confetti and nightmares pop out.

HR: Please share some of your most recent villainy. Me: I made chocolate chip cookies and left orange juice to drink. HR: Mean, but not villian level. Me: I made people listen to me read comics out loud. HR: Torture eh? We may have an opening.

Janice was mortified when the gynecologist explained that she was supposed to show up to her appointment with the mask on her face.

*fleshlight under chin* Adult store employee: Okay sir, now I know why it's not working.

Me: can I have another codpiece? Waiter: stop calling them that

Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON

I’m as Canadian as the next girl but I cannot listen to a documentary on Gordon Lightfoot.

Artificial nails are just ankle weights for fingers.

*me climbing out of the cold community pool in my Speedos* SHRIVELRY ISN'T DEAD!!

Android pirates dream of hydraulic wenches.

If you could master chewing gum with your lips shut, there'd be no limits to what you might achieve in life. And if you could then progress to reading without them moving at all, the world really would be your oyster!

This day in history. 2017. World Bee Day celebrates the importance of pollinators such as bees, hummingbirds, and girls named Rainbow and Petal.

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